A few years ago, I spoke to a group of high-school students about the Jewish idea of love. This is how many people approach a relationship. Consciously or unconsciously, they believe love is a sensation (based on physical and emotional attraction) that magically, spontaneously generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. It can spontaneously degenerate when the magic "just isn't there" anymore. If you fall in love, and you can easily fall out of it. The key word is passivity. Erich Fromm noted the sad consequence of this misconception: "There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love." So what is real, lasting love? Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness. The word "goodness" may surprise you. After all, most love stories don't feature a couple enraptured with each other's ethics. But in her study of real-life successful marriages, Judith Wallerstein reports that "the value these couples placed on the partner's moral qualities was an unexpected finding." To the Jewish mind, it isn't unexpected at all. What we value most in ourselves, we value most in others. God created us to see ourselves as good. So we seek goodness in others. Nice looks, an engaging personality, intelligence, and talent may attract you, but goodness is what moves you to Love.
LOVE IS A CHOICE
If love comes from appreciating goodness, it needn't just happen -- you can make it happen. Love is active. You can create it. Just focus on the good in another person. If you can do this easily, you'll love easily. I was once at an intimate concert in which the performer, a deeply spiritual person, gazed warmly at his audience and said, "I want you to know, I love you all." I smiled tolerantly and thought, "Sure." Looking back, though, I realize my cynicism was misplaced. This man naturally saw the good in others, and our being there said enough about us that he could love us. Judaism actually idealizes this universal, unconditional love. Obviously, there's a huge distance from here to the far more profound, personal love developed over the years, especially in marriage. But seeing goodness is the beginning. Susan learned about this foundation of love after becoming engaged to David. When she called her parents to tell them the good news, they were elated. At the end of the conversation, her mother said, "Darling, I want you to know we love you, and we love David." Susan was a bit dubious. "Mom," she said hesitantly, "I really appreciate your feelings, but, in all honesty, how can you say you love someone you've never met?" "We're choosing to love him," her mother explained, "because love is a choice." There's no better wisdom Susan's mother could have imparted to her before marriage. By focusing on the good, you can love almost anyone.
ACTIONS AFFECT FEELINGS
Now that you're feeling so warmly toward the entire human race, how can you deepen your love for someone? The way God created us, actions affect our feelings most. For example, if you want to become more compassionate, thinking compassionate thoughts may be a start, but giving tzedaka (charity) will get you there. Likewise, the best way to feel loving is to be loved. While most people believe love leads to giving, the truth is exactly the opposite: Giving leads to love. What is giving? When an enthusiastic handyman happily announces to his wife, "Honey, wait till you see what I got you for your birthday -- a triple-decker toolbox!" that's not giving. Neither is a father's forcing violin lessons on his son because he himself always dreamed of being a virtuoso. True giving, as Erich Fromm points out, is other-oriented, and requires four elements. The first is care, demonstrating active concern for the recipient's life and growth. The second is responsibility, responding to his or her expressed and unexpressed needs (particularly, in an adult relationship, emotional needs). The third is respect, "the ability to see a person as he [or she] is, to be aware of his [or her] unique individuality," and, consequently, wanting that person to "grow and unfold as he [or she] is." These three components all depend upon the fourth, knowledge. You can care for, respond to, and respect another only as deeply as you know him or her.
OPENING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
The effect of genuine, other-oriented giving is profound. It allows you into another person's world and opens you up to perceiving his or her goodness. At the same time, it means investing part of yourself in the other, enabling you to love this person as you love yourself. Many years ago, I met a woman whom I found very unpleasant. So I decided to try out the "giving leads to love" theory. One day I invited her for dinner. A few days later I offered to help her with a personal problem. On another occasion I read something she'd written and offered feedback and praise. Today we have a warm relationship. The more you give, the more you love. This is why your parents undoubtedly love you more than you love them, and you, in turn, will love your own children more than they'll love you. Because deep, intimate love emanates from knowledge and giving, it comes not overnight but over time -- which nearly always means after marriage. The intensity many couples feel before marrying is usually great affection boosted by commonality, chemistry, and anticipation. These may be the seeds of love, but they have yet to sprout. On the wedding day, emotions run high, but true love should be at its lowest, because it will hopefully always be growing, as husbands and wives give more and more to each other. A woman I know once explained why she's been happily married for 25 years. "A relationship has its ups and downs," she told me. "The downs can be really low -- and when you're in one, you have three choices: Leave, stay in a loveless marriage, or choose to love your spouse." Dr. Jill Murray writes that if someone mistreats you while professing to love you, remember: "Love is a behavior." A relationship thrives when partners are committed to behaving lovingly through continual, unconditional giving -- not only saying, "I love you," but showing it. What is this thing called Love? Cole Porter's simple question begs an answer. Love's symptoms are familiar enough: a drifting mooniness in thought and behavior, the mad conceit that the entire universe has rolled itself up into the person of the beloved, a conviction that no one on earth has ever felt so torrentially about a fellow creature before. Love is ecstasy and torment, freedom and slavery. Poets and songwriters would be in a fine mess without it. Plus, it makes the world go round. Until recently, scientists wanted no part of it. The reason for this avoidance, this reluctance to study what is probably life's most intense emotion, is not difficult to track down. Love is mushy; science is hard. Anger and fear, feelings that have been considerably researched in the field and the lab, can be quantified through measurements: pulse and breathing rates, muscle contractions, a whole spider web of involuntary responses. Love does not register as definitively on the instruments; it leaves a blurred fingerprint that could be mistaken for anything from indigestion to a manic attack. Anger and fear have direct roles -- fighting or running -- in the survival of the species. Since it is possible for humans to mate and reproduce without love, all the attendant sighing and swooning and sonnet writing have struck many pragmatic investigators as beside the evolutionary point.
So biologists and anthropologists assumed that it would be fruitless, even frivolous, to study love's evolutionary origins, the way it was encoded in our genes or imprinted in our brains. Serious scientists simply assumed that love -- and especially Romantic Love -- was really all in the head, put there five or six centuries ago when civilized societies first found enough spare time to indulge in flowery prose. The task of writing the book of love was ceded to playwrights, poets and pulp novelists. But during the past decade, scientists across a broad range of disciplines have had a change of heart about love. The amount of research expended on the tender passion has never been more intense. Explanations for this rise in interest vary. Some cite the spreading threat of AIDS; with casual sex carrying mortal risks, it seems important to know more about a force that binds couples faithfully together. Others point to the growing number of women scientists and suggest that they may be more willing than their male colleagues to take love seriously. Says Elaine Hatfield, the author of Love, Sex, and Intimacy: Their Psychology, Biology, and History: "When I was back at Stanford in the 1960s, they said studying love and human relationships was a quick way to ruin my career. Why not go where the real work was being done: on how fast rats could run?" Whatever the reasons, science seems to have come around to a view that nearly everyone else has always taken for granted: romance is real. It is not merely a conceit; it is bred into our biology. Getting to this point logically is harder than it sounds. The love-as- cultural-delusion argument has long seemed unassailable. What actually accounts for the emotion, according to this scenario, is that people long ago made the mistake of taking fanciful literary tropes seriously. Ovid's Ars Amatoria is often cited as a major source of misreading, its instructions followed, its ironies ignored. Love is a formidable and thoroughly proved commercial engine; people will buy and do almost anything that promises them a chance at the bliss of romance. But does all this mean that love is merely a phony emotion that we picked up because our culture celebrates it? Psychologist Lawrence Casler, author of Is Marriage Necessary? Forcefully thinks so, at least at first: "I don't believe love is part of human nature, not for a minute. There are social pressures at work." And it falls into a shadow over this certainty. "Even if it is a part of human nature, like crime or violence, it's not necessarily desirable." Well, love either is or is not intrinsic to our species; having it both ways leads nowhere. And the contention that romance is an entirely acquired trait -- overly imaginative troubadours' revenge on muddled literalists -- has always rested on some teeter premises. For one thing, there is the chicken/egg dilemma. Which came first, sex or love? If the reproductive imperative was as dominant as Darwinians maintain, sex probably led the way. But why was love hatched in the process, since it was presumably unnecessary to get things started in the first place? Furthermore, what has sustained romance -- that odd collection of tics and impulses -- over the centuries? Most mass hallucinations, such as the 17th century tulip mania in Holland, flame out fairly rapidly when people realize the absurdity of what they have been doing and, as the common saying goes, come to their senses. When people in love come to their senses, they tend to orbit with added energy around each other and look more helplessly loopy and self-besotted. If romance were purely a figment, unsupported by any rational or sensible evidence, then surely most folks would be immune to it by now. Look around. It hasn't happened. Love is still in the air. And it may be far more widespread than even romantics imagined. Those who argue that love is a cultural fantasy have tended to do so from a Eurocentric and class-driven point of view. Romance, they say, arose thanks to amenities peculiar to the West: leisure time, a modicum of creature comforts, a certain level of refinement in the arts and letters. When these trappings are absent, so is romance. Peasants mated; aristocrats fell in love.
But last year a study conducted by anthropologists William Jankowiak of the University of Nevada-Las Vegas and Edward Fischer of Tulane University found evidence of romantic love in at least 147 of the 166 cultures they studied. This discovery should pretty well wipe out the idea that love is an invention of the Western mind rather than a biological fact. Says Jankowiak: "It is, instead, a universal phenomenon, a panhuman characteristic that stretches across cultures. Societies like ours have the resources to show love through candy and flowers, but that does not mean that the lack of resources in other cultures indicates the absence of love." Some scientists are not startled by this contention. One of them is anthropologist Helen Fisher, a research associate at the American Museum of Natural History and the author of Anatomy of Love: The Natural History of Monogamy, Adultery and Divorce, a recent book that is making waves among scientists and the general reading public. Says Fisher: "I've never thought that love was a very primitive, basic human emotion, as basic as fear, anger or joy. It is so evident. I guess anthropologists have just been busy doing other things." Among the things anthropologists -- often knobby-kneed gents in safari shorts -- tended to do in the past was ask questions about courtship and marriage rituals. This now seems a classic example, as the old song has it, of looking for love in all the wrong places. In many cultures, love and marriage do not go together. Weddings can have all the romance of corporate mergers, signed and sealed for family or territorial interests. This does not mean Jankowiak insists that love does not exist in such cultures; it erupts in clandestine forms, "a phenomenon to be dealt with." Somewhere about this point, the specter of determinism begins once again to flap and cackle. If science is going to probe and prod and then announce that we are all scientifically fated to love -- and to love preprogrammed types -- by our genes and chemicals, and then a lot of people would just as soon not know. If there truly is a biological predisposition to love, as more and more scientists are coming to believe, what follows is recognition of the amazing diversity in the ways humans have chosen to express the feeling. Like the universe, the more we learn about love, the more preposterous and mysterious it is likely to appear.
Love is the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection. In religious context, love is not just a virtue, but the basis for all being , and the foundation for all divine law .
The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. "Love" can also refer specifically to the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love, to the sexual love of Eros, to the emotional closeness of familial love, or to the platonic love that defines friendship, to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love. This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.
Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts. The word "love" can have a variety of related but distinct meanings in different contexts. Often, other languages use multiple words to express some of the different concepts that English relies mainly on "love" to encapsulate; one example is the plurality of Greek words for "love." Cultural differences in conceptualizing love thus make it doubly difficult to establish any universal definition.
Although the nature or essence of love is a subject of frequent debate, different aspects of the word can be clarified by determining what love isn’t. As a general expression of positive sentiment (a stronger form of like), love is commonly contrasted with hate (or neutral apathy); as a less sexual and more emotionally intimate form of romantic attachment, love is commonly contrasted with lust; and as an interpersonal relationship with romantic overtones, love is commonly contrasted with friendship, although other definitions of the word love may be applied to close friendships in certain contexts.
When discussed in the abstract, love usually refers to interpersonal love, an experience felt by a person for another person. Love often involves caring for or identifying with a person or thing, including oneself (narcissism). In addition to cross-cultural differences in understanding love, ideas about love have also changed greatly over time. Some historians date modern conceptions of romantic love to courtly Europe during or after the middle Ages, although the prior existence of romantic attachments is attested by ancient love poetry. Because of the complex and abstract nature of love, discourse on love is commonly reduced to a thought-terminating cliché, and there are a number of common proverbs regarding love, from Virgil's "Love conquers all" to the Beatles' "All you need is love". St. Thomas Aquinas, following Aristotle, defines love as "to will the good of another." Bertrand Russell describes love as a condition of "absolute value," as opposed to relative value. Philosopher Gottfried Leibniz said that love is "to be delighted by the happiness of another." Love is sometimes referred to as being the "international language", overriding cultural and linguistic divisions.
Impersonal love
A person can be said to love an object, principle, or goal if they value it greatly and are deeply committed to it. Similarly, compassionate outreach and volunteer workers' "love" of their cause may sometimes be borne not of interpersonal love, but impersonal love coupled with altruism and strong political convictions. People can also "love" material objects, animals, or activities if they invest themselves in bonding or otherwise identifying with those things. If sexual passion is also involved, this condition is called paraphilia.
Interpersonal love
Interpersonal love refers to love between human beings. It is a more potent sentiment than a simple liking for another. Unrequited love refers to those feelings of love that are not reciprocated. Interpersonal love is most closely associated with interpersonal relationships. Such love might exist between family members, friends, and couples. There are also a number of psychological disorders related to love, such as erotomania.
Throughout history, philosophy and religion have done the most speculation on the phenomenon of love. In the last century, the science of psychology has written a great deal on the subject. In recent years, the sciences of evolutionary psychology, evolutionary biology, anthropology, neuroscience, and biology have added to the understanding of the nature and function of love.
Chemical basis
Biological models of sex tend to view love as a mammalian drive, much like hunger or thirst. Helen Fisher, a leading expert in the topic of love, divides the experience of love into three partly overlapping stages: lust, attraction, and attachment. Lust exposes people to others; romantic attraction encourages people to focus their energy on mating; and attachment involves tolerating the spouse long enough to rear a child into infancy.
Simplified overview of the chemical basis of love: Lust is the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes mating, and involves the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and estrogen. These effects rarely last more than a few weeks or months. Attraction is the more individualized and romantic desire for a specific candidate for mating, which develops out of lust as commitment to an individual mate forms. Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years
Since the lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for long-term relationships. Attachment is the bonding that promotes relationships lasting for many years and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such as marriage and children, or on mutual friendship based on things like shared interests. It has been linked to higher levels of the chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin to a greater degree than short-term relationships have. Enzo Emanuele and coworkers reported the protein molecule known as the nerve growth factor (NGF) has high levels when people first fall in love, but these return to previous levels after one year
Psychological basis
{Human bonding}
Psychology depicts love as a cognitive and social phenomenon. Psychologist Robert Sternberg formulated a triangular theory of love and argued that love has three different components: intimacy, commitment, and passion. Intimacy is a form in which two people share confidences and various details of their personal lives, and is usually shown in friendships and romantic love affairs. Commitment, on the other hand, is the expectation that the relationship is permanent. The last and most common form of love is sexual attraction and passion. Passionate love is shown in infatuation as well as romantic love. All forms of love are viewed as varying combinations of these three components. American psychologist Zick Rubin seeks to define love by psychometrics. His work states that three factors constitute love: attachment, caring, and intimacy. Over the last century, research on the nature of human mating has generally found this not to be true when it comes to character and personality—people tend to like people similar to them. However, in a few unusual and specific domains, such as immune systems, it seems that humans prefer others who are unlike themselves, since this will lead to a baby that has the best of both worlds. In recent years, various human bonding theories have been developed, described in terms of attachments, ties, bonds, and affinities.
Some Western authorities disaggregate into two main components, the altruistic and the narcissistic. This view is represented in the works of Scott Peck, whose work in the field of applied psychology explored the definitions of love and evil. Peck maintains that love is a combination of the "concern for the spiritual growth of another," and simple narcissism.[16] In combination, love is an activity, not simply a feeling.
Comparison of scientific models
Biological models of love tend to see it as a mammalian drive, similar to hunger or thirst Psychology sees love as more of a social and cultural phenomenon. There are probably elements of truth in both views. Certainly love is influenced by hormones (such as oxytocin), neurotrophins (such as NGF), and pheromones, and how people think and behave in love is influenced by their conceptions of love. The conventional view in biology is that there are two major drives in love: sexual attraction and attachment. Attachment between adults is presumed to work on the same principles that lead an infant to become attached to its mother. The traditional psychological view sees love as being a combination of companionate love and passionate love. Passionate love is intense longing, and is often accompanied by physiological arousal (shortness of breath, rapid heart rate); companionate love is affection and a feeling of intimacy not accompanied by physiological arousal. Studies have shown that brain scans of those infatuated by love display a resemblance to those with a mental illness. Love creates activity in the same area of the brain where hunger, thirst, and drug cravings create activity. New love, therefore, could possibly be more physical than emotional. Over time, this reaction to love mellows, and different areas of the brain are activated, primarily ones involving long-term commitments.
The Persian word for love is eshgh, derived from the Arabic, however is considered by most to be too stalwart a term for interpersonal love and is more commonly substituted for 'doost dashtan' ('liking'). In the Persian culture, everything is encompassed by love and all is for love, starting from loving friends and family, husbands and wives, and eventually reaching the divine love that is the ultimate goal in life. Over seven centuries ago, Sa'di wrote:
The children of Adam are limbs of one body having been created of one essence. When the calamity of time afflicts one limb, the other limbs cannot remain at rest. If you have no sympathy for the troubles of others, you are not worthy to be called by the name of "man."
Chinese and other Sinic cultures
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"Ai," the traditional Chinese character for love consists of a heart (middle) inside of "accept," "feel," or "perceive," which shows a graceful emotion. It can also be interpreted as a hand offering ones heart to another hand. Two philosophical underpinnings of love exist in the Chinese tradition, one from Confucianism which emphasized actions and duty while the other came from Mohism which championed a universal love. A core concept to Confucianism is Ren ("benevolent love"), which focuses on duty, action and attitude in a relationship rather than Love itself. In Confucianism, one displays benevolent love by performing actions such as filial piety from children, kindness from parent, loyalty to the king and so forth.
The concept of Ai was developed by the Chinese philosopher Mozi in the 4th century BC in reaction to Confucianism's benevolent love. Mozi tried to replace what he considered to be the long-entrenched Chinese over-attachment to family and clan structures with the concept of "universal love" In this, he argued directly against Confucians who believed that it was natural and correct for people to care about different people in different degrees. Mozi, by contrast, believed people in principle should care for all people equally. Mohism stressed that rather than adopting different attitudes towards different people, love should be unconditional and offered to everyone without regard to reciprocation, not just to friends, family and other Confucian relations. Later in Chinese Buddhism, the term Ai was adopted to refer to a passionate caring love and was considered a fundamental desire. In Buddhism, Ai was seen as capable of being either selfish or selfless, the latter being a key element towards enlightenment.
In contemporary Chinese, Ai is often used as the equivalent of the Western concept of love. Ai is used as both a verb ("I love you") and a noun (such as aiqing, or "romantic love"). However, due to the influence of Confucian Ren, the phrase ‘Wo ai ni’ (I love you) carries with it a very specific sense of responsibility, commitment and loyalty. Instead of frequently saying "I love you" as in some Western societies, the Chinese are more likely to express feelings of affection in a more casual way. Consequently, "I like you" is a more common way of expressing affection in Chinese; it is more playful and less serious. This is also true in Japanese The Chinese are also more likely to say "I love you" in English or other foreign languages than they would in their mother tongue.
In Japanese Buddhism, ai is passionate caring love, and a fundamental desire. It can develop towards either selfishness or selflessness and enlightenment. Amae a Japanese word meaning "indulgent dependence," is part of the child-rearing culture of Japan. Japanese mothers are expected to hug and indulge their children, and children are expected to reward their mothers by clinging and serving. Some sociologists have suggested that Japanese social interactions in later life are modeled on the mother-child amae.
Greek distinguishes several different senses in which the word "love" is used. For example, Ancient Greek has the words philia, Eros, agape, storge, and xenia. However, with Greek (as with many other languages), it has been historically difficult to separate the meanings of these words totally. At the same time, the Ancient Greek text of the Bible has examples of the verb agapo having the same meaning as phileo.
Agape means love in modern-day Greek. The term s'agapo means “I love you” in Greek. The word agapo is the verb I love. It generally refers to a "pure," ideal type of love, rather than the physical attraction suggested by eros. However, there are some examples of agape used to mean the same as eros. It has also been translated as "love of the soul." Eros is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The Greek word erota means “in love”. Plato refined his own definition. Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. Eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth by eros. Some translations list it as "love of the body."
Philia, a dispassionate virtuous love, was a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality, and familiarity. Philia is motivated by practical reasons; one or both of the parties benefit from the relationship. It can also mean "love of the mind."
Xenia, hospitality, was an extremely important practice in Ancient Greece. It was an almost ritualized friendship formed between a host and his guest, who could previously have been strangers. The host fed and provided quarters for the guest, who was expected to repay only with gratitude. The importance of this can be seen throughout Greek mythology—in particular, Homer's Iliad and Odyssey. In Turkish, the word "love" comes up with several meanings. A person can love a god, a person, parents, or family. But that person can "love" just one person from the opposite sex, which they call the word "aşk." Aşk is a feeling for to love, or being "in love" (Aşık), as it still is in Turkish today. The Turks used this word just for their loves in a romantic or sexual sense. If a Turk says that he is in love (Aşık) with somebody, it is not a love that a person can feel for his or her parents; it is just for one person, and it indicates a huge infatuation. The word is also common for Turkic languages, such as Azerbaijani (eşq) and Kazakh.
The Latin language has several different verbs corresponding to the English word "love." Amāre is the basic word for to love, as it still is in Italian today. The Romans used it both in an affectionate sense as well as in a romantic or sexual sense. From this verb come amans—a lover, amator, "professional lover," often with the accessory notion of lechery—and amica, "girlfriend" in the English sense, often as well being applied euphemistically to a prostitute. The corresponding noun is amor (the significance of this term for the Romans is well illustrated in the fact, that the name of the City, Rome—in Latin: Roma—can be viewed as an anagram for amor, which was used as the secret name of the City in wide circles in ancient times), which is also used in the plural form to indicate love affairs or sexual adventures. This same root also produces amicus—"friend"—and amicitia, "friendship" Cicero wrote a treaty called On Friendship (de Amicitia), which discusses the notion at some length. Ovid wrote a guide to dating called Ars Amatoria (The Art of Love), which addresses, in depth, everything from extramarital affairs to overprotective parents. Complicating the picture somewhat, Latin sometimes uses amāre where English would simply say to like. This notion, however, is much more generally expressed in Latin by placere or delectāre, which are used more colloquially, the latter used frequently in the love poetry of Catullus. Diligere often has the notion "to be affectionate for," "to esteem," and rarely if ever is used for romantic love. This word would be appropriate to describe the friendship of two men. The corresponding noun diligentia, however, has the meaning of "diligence" or "carefulness," and has little semantic overlap with the verb. Observare is a synonym for diligere; despite the cognate with English, this verb and its corresponding noun, observantia, often denote "esteem" or "affection." Caritas is used in Latin translations of the Christian Bible to mean "charitable love"; this meaning, however, is not found in Classical pagan Roman literature. As it arises from a conflation with a Greek word, there is no corresponding verb.
In Hebrew, Ahava is the most commonly used term for both interpersonal love and love of God. Judaism employs a wide definition of love, both among people and between man and the Deity. Regarding the former, the Torah states, "Love your neighbor like yourself". As for the latter, one is commanded to love God "with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your might, taken by the Mishnah to refer to good deeds, willingness to sacrifice one's life rather than commit certain serious transgressions, willingness to sacrifice all of one's possessions, and being grateful to the Lord despite adversity. Rabbinic literature differs as to how this love can be developed, e.g., by contemplating divine deeds or witnessing the marvels of nature. As for love between marital partners, this is deemed an essential ingredient to life: "See life with the wife you love". The biblical book Song of Solomon is considered a romantically phrased metaphor of love between God and his people, but in its plain reading, reads like a love song. The 20th-century Rabbi Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler is frequently quoted as defining love from the Jewish point of view as "giving without expecting to take”.
Sacred Love Versus Profane Love (1602–03) by Giovanni Baglione the Christian understanding is that love comes from God. The love of man and woman—eros in Greek—and the unselfish love of others (agape), are often contrasted as "ascending" and "descending" love, respectively, but are ultimately the same thing. There are several Greek words for "love" that are regularly referred to in Christian circles. Agape: In the New Testament, agapē is charitable, selfless, altruistic, and unconditional. It is parental love, seen as creating goodness in the world; it is the way God is seen to love humanity, and it is seen as the kind of love that Christians aspire to have for one another. Phileo: Also used in the New Testament, phileo is a human response to something that is found to be delightful, also known as "brotherly love."
Two other words for love in the Greek language, eros (sexual love) and storge (child-to-parent love), were never used in the New Testament.
Christians believe that to Love God with all your heart, mind, and strength and Love your neighbor as yourself are the two most important things in life. Saint Augustine summarized this when he wrote "Love God, and do as thou wilt." The Apostle Paul glorified love as the most important virtue of all, he wrote, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres." The Apostle John wrote, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." (John 3:16–17) John also wrote, "Dear friends, let us love one another for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." (1 John 4:7–8)
Saint Augustine says that one must be able to decipher the difference between love and lust. Lust is overindulgence, but to love and be loved is what he has sought for his entire life. He even says, “I was in love with love.” Finally, he does fall in love and is loved back, by God. Saint Augustine says the only one who can love you truly and fully is God, because love with a human only allows for flaws such as “jealousy, suspicion, fear, anger, and contention.” According to Saint Augustine, to love God is “to attain the peace which is yours.” Christian theologians see God as the source of love, which is mirrored in humans and their own loving relationships. Influential Christian theologian C.S. Lewis wrote a book called The Four Loves. Benedict XVI wrote his first encyclical on "God is love". He said that a human being, created in the image of God, who is love, is able to practice love; to give himself to God and others (agape) and by receiving and experiencing God's love in contemplation (eros). This life of love, according to him, is the life of the saints such as Teresa of Calcutta and the Blessed Virgin Mary and is the direction Christians take when they believe that God loves them.
In Christianity the practical definition of love is best summarized by St. Thomas Aquinas, who defined love as "to will the good of another," or to desire for another to succeed. This is the explanation of the Christian need to love others, including their enemies. As Thomas Aquinas explains, Christian love is motivated by the need to see others succeed in life, to be good people
In a sense, love does encompass the Islamic view of life as universal brotherhood that applies to all who hold the faith. There are no direct references stating that God is love, there is the name Al-Wadud, or "the Loving One". It refers to God as being "full of loving kindness." All who hold the faith have God's love, but to what degree or effort he has pleased God depends on the individual itself.
Ishq, or divine love, is the emphasis of Sufism. Sufis believe that love is a projection of the essence of God to the universe. God desires to recognize beauty, and as if one looks at a mirror to see oneself, God "looks" at itself within the dynamics of nature. Since everything is a reflection of God, the school of Sufism practices to see the beauty inside the apparently ugly. Sufism is often referred to as the religion of love. God in Sufism is referred to in three main terms, which are the Lover, Loved, and Beloved, with the last of these terms being often seen in Sufi poetry. A common viewpoint of Sufism is that through love, humankind can get back to its inherent purity and grace. The saints of Sufism are infamous for being "drunk" due to their love of God; hence, the constant reference to wine in Sufi poetry and music. In Buddhism, Kāma is sensuous, sexual love. It is an obstacle on the path to enlightenment, since it is selfish. Karunā is compassion and mercy, which reduces the suffering of others. It is complementary to wisdom and is necessary for enlightenment. Adveṣa and mettā are benevolent love. This love is unconditional and requires considerable self-acceptance. This is quite different from ordinary love, which is usually about attachment and sex and which rarely occurs without self-interest. Instead, in Buddhism it refers to detachment and unselfish interest in others' welfare. The Bodhisattva ideal in Mahayana Buddhism involves the complete renunciation of oneself in order to take on the burden of a suffering world. The strongest motivation one has in order to take the path of the Bodhisattva is the idea of salvation within unselfish, altruistic love for all sentient beings.
A broken heart (or heartbreak) is a common metaphor used to describe the intense emotional pain or suffering one feels after losing a loved one, through death, divorce, breakup, moving, being rejected, or other means.
Heartbreak is usually associated with losing a spouse or loved one, though losing a parent, child, pet, or close friend can also "break one's heart". The phrase refers to the physical pain one may feel in the chest as a result of the loss. Although "heartbreak" is usually a metaphor, there is a condition - appropriately known as "broken heart syndrome" - where a traumatizing incident triggers the brain to distribute chemicals that weaken heart tissue.
Philosophical views
For many people having a broken heart is something that may not be recognized at first, as it takes time for an emotional or physical loss to be fully acknowledged. Human beings are not always aware of what they are feeling. Like animals, they may not be able to put their feelings into words. This does not mean they have no feelings. Sigmund Freud once speculated that a man could be in love with a woman for six years and not know it until many years later. Such a man, with all the goodwill in the world, could not have verbalized what he did not know. He had the feelings, but he did not know about them. It may sound like a paradox — paradoxical because when we think of a feeling, we think of something that we are consciously aware of feeling. As Freud put it in his 1915 article The Unconscious: "It is surely of the essence of an emotion that we should be aware of it. Yet it is beyond question that we can 'have' feelings that we do not know about."
Regarding the sadness of loss and heartbreak, the Buddha had the following admonition:[2]
O, monks! Why should every female, male, layperson, or priest always consider that all things they love would one day go away from them? What is the advantage of taking the said matter into consideration? Hearken, monks! All fondness and love existing in the beings lead them to perform physical, verbal or mental bad deeds. Upon having always taken such matter into consideration, the being will be able to leave or lighten such fondness and love. O, monks! That is the advantage that every female, male, layperson, or priest should always consider that all things they love would one day go away from them.
In this Psalm, King David says that insults have broken his heart, not loss or pain. It is also popular belief that rejection, major or minor, can break an individual's heart. This heartbreak can be greatly increased if rejected by a loved one or someone whom you respect.
Broken Heart Syndrome
In many legends and fictional tales, characters die after suffering a devastating loss. But even in reality people die from what appears to be a broken heart. Broken heart syndrome is commonly blamed for the death of a person whose spouse is already deceased, but the cause is not always so clear-cut. The condition can be triggered by sudden emotional stress caused by a traumatic breakup, the death of a loved one, or even the shock of a surprise party. Broken Heart syndrome is clinically different from a heart attack because the patients have few risk factors for heart disease and were previously healthy prior to the heart muscles weakening. The recovery rates for those suffering from "broken heart syndrome" are faster than those who had heart attacks and complete recovery to the heart was achieved within two weeks
Feelings associated
The symptoms of a "broken heart" can manifest themselves through psychological pain but for many the effect is physical. Although the experience is regarded commonly as indescribable, the following is a list of common symptoms that occur: A perceived tightness of the chest, similar to an anxiety attack, Stomachache and/or loss of appetite with Partial or complete insomnia, Anger Shock and Nostalgia and Apathy (loss of interest) Feelings of loneliness, Feelings of hopelessness and despair and Loss of self-respect and/or self-esteem, Medical or psychological illness (for example depression) with Suicidal thoughts (in extreme cases), Nausea and Fatigue, The thousand-yard stare and constant or frequent crying and Takotsubo cardiomyopathy with A feeling of complete emptiness and in extreme cases, death
Erotomania is a type of delusion in which the affected person believes that another person, usually a stranger or famous person, is in love with him or her. The illness often occurs during psychosis, especially in patients with schizophrenia or bipolar mania. In one case, erotomania was reported in a patient who had undergone surgery for a ruptured cerebral aneurysm. During an erotomanic psychosis, the patient believes that a "secret admirer" is declaring his or her affection to the patient, often by special glances, signals, telepathy, or messages through the media. Usually the patient then returns the perceived affection by means of letters, phone calls, gifts, and visits to the unwitting recipient
The term erotomania is often confused with "obsessive love", obsession with unrequited love, or hypersexuality. Obsessive love is not erotomania by definition. Erotomania is also called de Clérambault's syndrome, after the French psychiatrist Gaëtan Gatian de Clérambault (1872–1934), who published a comprehensive review paper on the subject
History
Early references to the condition can be found in the work of Hippocrates, Erasistratus, Plutarch and Galen. In the psychiatric literature it was first referred to in 1623 in a treatise by Jacques Ferrand and has been variously called, "erotic paranoia" and "erotic self-referent delusions" until the common usage of the terms erotomania and de Clérambault's syndrome.
Classical times – early eighteenth century: General disease caused by unrequited love
Early eighteenth – beginning nineteenth century: Practice of excess physical love
Early nineteenth century – beginning twentieth century: Unrequited love as a form of mental disease.
Early twentieth century – present: Delusional belief of "being loved by someone else."
The core symptom of the disorder is that the sufferer holds an unshakable belief that another person is secretly in love with him or her. In some cases, the sufferer may believe several people at once are "secret admirers." The sufferer may also experience other types of delusions concurrently with erotomania, such as delusions of reference, wherein the perceived admirer secretly communicates his or her love by subtle methods such as body posture, arrangement of household objects, and other seemingly innocuous acts (or, if the person is a public figure, through clues in the media). Erotomanic delusions are typically found as the primary symptom of a delusional disorder or in the context of schizophrenia and may be treated with atypical antipsychotics.
Historical examples:
The assassination attempt of Ronald Reagan by John Hinckley, Jr. was reported to have been driven by an erotomanic delusion that the death of the president would cause actress Jodie Foster to become infatuated with him.
An existential crisis may result from:
The sense of being alone and isolated in the world;
A new-found grasp or appreciation of one's mortality;
Believing that one's life has no purpose or external meaning;
Awareness of one's freedom and the consequences of accepting or rejecting that freedom;
An extremely pleasurable or hurtful experience that leaves one seeking meaning;
An existential crisis is often provoked by a significant event in the person's life — marriage, separation, major loss, the death of a loved one, a life-threatening experience, a new love partner, psycho-active drug use, adult children leaving home, reaching a personally-significant age (turning 30, turning 40, etc.), etc. Usually, it provokes the sufferer's introspection about personal mortality, thus revealing the psychological repression of said awareness.
An existential crisis may resemble anomie (a personal condition resulting from a lack of norms) or a midlife crisis. Sometimes, an existential crisis stems from a person's new perception of life and existence.
When a person faces the paradox of believing his or her life important whilst thinking that human existence is meaningless and without purpose, cognitive dissonance occurs, overcoming many innate psychological and cultural defense mechanisms. Analogously, existentialism posits that a person can and does define the meaning and purpose of their life, and therefore must choose to resolve the crisis of existence.
Handling existential crises
There is no one given therapeutic method in modern psychology known to coerce a person out of existential despair; the issue is seldom, if at all, addressed from a medical standpoint.
Peter Wessel Zapffe, a Norwegian philosopher, provided, in his work The Last Messiah, a fourfold route that he believed all self-conscious beings use in order to cope with the inherent indifference and absurdity of existence, comprising Isolation, Anchoring, Distraction, and Sublimation: Isolation is "a fully arbitrary dismissal from consciousness of all disturbing and destructive thought and feeling". Anchoring is the "fixation of points within or construction of walls around, the liquid fray of consciousness". The anchoring mechanism provides individuals with a value or an ideal that allows them to focus their attentions in a consistent manner. Zapffe also applied the anchoring principle to society, and stated "God, the Church, the State, morality, fate, and the laws of life, the people, and the future" are all examples of collective primary anchoring firmaments. Distraction is when "one limits attention to the critical bounds by constantly enthralling it with impressions". Distraction focuses all of one's energy on a task or idea to prevent the mind from turning in on itself. Sublimation is the refocusing of energy away from negative outlets, toward positive ones. The individual distances him / her and looks at their existence from an aesthetic point of view. Zapffe himself pointed out that his written works were the product of sublimation.
Intense vipassana meditation will usually bring about a set of experiences, referred to as the dark night of the soul by western spiritual traditions, which resemble the typical symptoms of eliminating or getting over an existential crisis. During the "dark night", mediators become severely discouraged in regard to practice and life in general, although continuing meditation is the only known form of overcoming this difficult stage
Mamihlapinatapai is a word from the Yaghan language of Tierra del Fuego, listed in The Guinness Book of World Records as the "most succinct word", and is considered one of the hardest words to translate It describes "a look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that they both desire but which neither one wants to start." Obsessive love can lead to dangerous consequences. Extreme obsessive love can be the cause of stalking, rape, and murder, among other things. The initial phase is characterized by an instantaneous and overwhelming attraction to another person. It is at this point the relationally dependent person becomes "hooked" on a romantic interest, usually resulting from the slightest bit of attention from the person they are attracted to.
Phase one: Attraction phase
An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes of meeting: An immediate urge to rush into a relationship regardless of compatibility. Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics while ignoring personality differences. Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with a love interest, assigning "magical" qualities to an object of affection.
The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.
Phase two: Anxious phase
This phase is considered a relational turning point, which usually occurs after a commitment has been made between both parties. Sometimes, however, the relationally dependent person will enter into this phase without the presence of a commitment. The relation can be severed here, resulting in a depressing time for the controlling party. If not severed by this time, psychological help will be required. This happens when the afflicted person creates the illusion of intimacy, regardless of the other person's true feelings. The second phase of ORP behaviors can include: Unfounded thoughts of infidelity on the part of a partner and demanding accountability for normal daily activities. An overwhelming fear of abandonment, including baseless thoughts of a partner walking out on the relationship in favor of another person. The need to be in constant contact with a love interest via phone, email or in person.
Strong feelings of mistrust begin to emerge, causing depression, resentment and relational tension. The continuation and escalation of obsessive and controlling behaviors. Feeling the other partner doesn't and shouldn't need to contact, meet, bond and/or speak with others. Violent reactions (verbal and physical) directed to the loved one and/or to oneself if the controlled person starts denying the obsessive demands.
Phase three: Obsessive phase
This particular phase represents the rapid escalation of this unhealthy attachment style. It is at this point that obsessive, controlling behaviors reach critical mass, ultimately overwhelming the RD person's life. It is also at this point that the person being controlled begins to pull back and ultimately, severs the relationship. In short, Phase Three is characterized by a total loss of control on the part of the RD person, resulting from extreme anxiety. Usually, the following characteristics are apparent during the third phase of ORP.
The onset of "tunnel vision," meaning that the relationally dependent person cannot stop thinking about a love interest and required his or her constant attention.
Neurotic, compulsive behaviors, including rapid telephone calls to love interest's place of residence or workplace.
Unfounded accusations of "cheating" due to extreme anxiety.
"Drive-bys" around a love interest's home or place of employment, with the goal of assuring that the person is where "he or she is supposed to be."
Physical or electronic monitoring activities, following a love interest's whereabouts throughout the course of a day to discover daily activities.
Extreme control tactics, including questioning a love interest's commitment to the relationship (guilt trips) with the goal of manipulating a love interest into providing more attention.
Phase four: Destructive phase
This is the final phase of Obsessive Relational Progression. It represents the destruction of the relationship, due to phase three behaviors, which have caused a love interest to understandably flee. For a variety of reasons, this is considered the most dangerous of the four phases, because the RD person suddenly plummets into a deep depression due to the collapse of the relationship. Here are some of the more common behaviors that are exhibited during phase four of ORP: Overwhelming feelings of depression (feeling "empty" inside).Extreme feelings rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest for breaking off the relationship. They are in denial that the relationship has ended and attempting to "win a loved one back" by making promises "to change".
Suicidal thoughts may manifest. Without emotional counseling, suicide could become a reality. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among people between the ages of 14 and 25 in the United States. The following statistics were taken from a recent survey of college and high school students by the CDC: Twenty-seven percent of high school students said they had "thought seriously" about killing themselves during the past year. Eight percent said they had actually tried to kill themselves. Ten percent of U.S. college students admitted serious thoughts about suicide. Seven percent had a suicide plan. More than 30,000 Americans commit suicide each year, and 5,000 of these people are teenagers. Although one of every eight teenagers suffers with depression, the diagnosis is often missed, as depressive symptoms are often mistaken for the typical "ups and downs" of teenage life. Even in societies where suicide is illegal or taboo, people still kill themselves. Most suicides occur in the home between the hours of 3 p.m. and midnight. There are 30 to 50 times as many attempted suicides as completed suicides. Four times as many males complete suicide than females, but female teens attempt suicide twice as frequently as male teenagers. Statistics also show that kids from high-income families kill themselves as often as those from poor or middle-class families. For every teenage suicide, there are more than 100 unsuccessful attempts. ”Copycat” suicides spread the tragedy even further. People who talk about suicide often commit suicide. All talk about suicide should be taken seriously. People often have opposing feelings about whether or not they want to die, so there is always hope that they can change their minds if they receive professional help. Many who attempt suicide are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Be aware of this signal. Many attempts are impulsive acts, so be aware of the following warning signs. If you suspect a friend is contemplating suicide, take the initiative and just ask him, "Are you thinking about killing or harming yourself?" and "How are you going to kill yourself?" This will often get him to talk about it. Be straight with him; get right to the subject. Tell an adult, a teacher, a guidance counselor or his parents about your concern for your friend's safety. Some people who are suicidal are very good at hiding their emotional pain. That is why it is okay to just come out and ask if you think someone is hurting on the inside. Very often, those people are appearing cheerful and popular on the outside to mask their pain and suicidal thoughts on the inside. Your concern and intervention may be all that are needed to get the person to vent his feelings and change his mind. If someone exhibits self-destructive behavior, this is often a warning sign that he is seriously considering suicide, not just trying to get attention, as was once thought. Remember, just because a suicidal person may get professional help and overcome her suicidal feelings, this in itself does not mean those feelings will not return, especially when she is confronted once again by the stress and the problems that caused her to consider suicide in the first place. Often, teens think they are immortal. Remind anyone who is talking about killing himself that suicide is very permanent, and that you care if he is here with you in this world. The numbers are disturbing to many adults, yet they only partially convey the tragedy of teen and young-adult suicide. Each and every victim leaves behind a void in the hearts of her friends and her school, and an ongoing ache in the hearts of her families and loved ones. I know; I am one of them. Some warning signs of suicide are Depression Anger or hostility Inability to feel pleasure Feeling hopeless and isolation or withdrawal insomnia sleeping too much loss of appetite preoccupation with death giving things away that were once valued ending significant relationships or commitments (breaking up) sudden uplift in mood after depression sudden change in behavior or disruptive behavior promiscuity (being very sexually active) severe outbursts of temper excessive substance use absence from school or work inability to carry out normal tasks of daily life inability to laugh Some Types of Suicidal Behaviors About 60 percent of teen suicides are committed by a hand gun. Teen girls attempt suicide far more often than guys (about nine times more), but guys are about four times more likely to succeed. Why is this different? Male teens tend to use more deadly methods, like guns or hanging themselves. Girls most often attempt suicide by overdosing with medication or through some form of self-injury. Suicide deaths can occur from pills, medications and other harmful substances, especially if these substances are mixed. Sometimes a depressed person plans an act of suicide in advance. (Often the planning of an act gives the person some feeling of control.) Most often however, suicide attempts are “impulsive acts." These acts occur during a time when the person is feeling overwhelmingly upset. A situation like a breakup, an unintended pregnancy, the death of a sibling, a fight with a parent or boyfriend or girlfriend, being harmed by abuse or rape, or being victimized in any way can cause a young person to feel desperately upset. “Coming out” for homosexual teens can also lead to suicide attempts if that person is no longer accepted by his family or friends. In situations such as these, teens may fear humiliation, rejection, social isolation or another consequence they think they can’t handle. Suicide attempts occur under conditions like this because in desperation and confusion, some teens see no other way out. Risk Factors for Teenage Suicide: Previous Attempts--Teens who attempt suicide remain vulnerable for several years, especially for the first 3 months following an attempt. These people may become very clever about hiding their true feelings. Keep in contact with them. Personal Failure--High standards (the teen's or the parents') that are not met, even after only one setback, may set off a downward spiral ending in suicide. Recent Loss--Death of close friends or family, divorce, or breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend may leave a teenager so lost and alone that suicide seems the only option. Substance Abuse--Some teens abuse drugs or alcohol to self-medicate overwhelming depression. A combination of depression, substance abuse and lowered impulse control can end in a suicide attempt. This is often a fatal combination. Family Handguns--A gun in the house may make it easy for a troubled teen to commit suicide; children of law-enforcement officers have a much higher rate of suicide because of the accessibility of guns. If you think your son or friend is in danger of harming himself, please have someone remove that gun from the home! Family Violence--Violence in the home teaches youths that the way to resolve conflict is through violence. Lack of Communication--The inability to discuss angry or uncomfortable feelings within the family can lead to suicide. Anger turned inward often leads to depression. Remember, if someone you know says, "I want to kill myself" or "I'm going to commit suicide," take the statements seriously and immediately seek the help of a trusted adult, such as a teacher, nurse, parent or counselor. Experts feel it’s OK to ask a depressed teen if she is thinking about suicide. Asking this question provides assurance that somebody cares, and might give the young person the opportunity to talk about her problems. Also, take the time to learn more about depression. You might just save a life. The death of a young person is always a tragedy. People with schizophrenia have a higher rate of suicide than the general population. Approximately 10 percent of people with schizophrenia commit suicide. Unfortunately, the prediction of suicide in people with schizophrenia can be especially difficult. Teens with generalized anxiety disorders may also be at greater risk for suicide attempts. "Suicide is a subject often taboo to mention, and one that's likely to get a mixture of reactions from people. It's not something I tell most people I meet. In the past, I've overdosed four times and ended up in the hospital having my stomach pumped. I have tried the toaster and the boom box in the bath tub, it doesn't work; I don't recommend it. It’s not worth getting hospitalized for a psychiatric reason. A psychiatric institution is kind of like prison, although I have never been in prison. They tell you when you can eat and where you have to be when. You have no privacy. If I wanted to shave (I am a guy), I had to have someone with me, to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself. If I wanted to use my acne cleanser pads, the nurse had to give them to me and watch me use them because they have alcohol in them and some people would try to suck on them, just to get their 'fix' of alcohol. Shoelaces are not allowed until they think you are no longer a danger to yourself. You have to go to group therapy, even when you don't want to. It is too regimented.
